


Muffin Mercenary

by hootietoot



Category: Spider-Man - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: I'm evil but I'm not into non-con sorry, Loki's an attractive asshole, More characters to come, Quicksilver's just too cool, Thor's a backseat suck up, Ultron's just as dumb as in the movies, Wade has a heart (kind of), bakery story, endless (unrequited) supervillain crushes, have fun with it :P, more points if you play bakery story (+ friend request plz I need tips), multiple failed attempts to rule the world, points for reading all these tags ;), villains should get to feel victorious for more than a few scenes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-11
Updated: 2016-09-11
Packaged: 2018-08-14 09:47:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8008726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hootietoot/pseuds/hootietoot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Wade's picked himself up a housemaid in the process of running mercenary work, who becomes bored with cleaning up his mess and starts running into all sorts of heroes and villains trying to find the one to join.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Muffin Mercenary

Kira didn't really know how this'd all started out to become what it was now. She had vague memories - looking for a job, trying to be a mercenary, turning into another mercenary's babysitter and personal chef... The details were completely dead. Needless to say, a year ago she would _not_  have picked herself out as someone baking caramel pie for a ruthless, reckless and slightly psychotic mutant.

It was five in the morning when she woke up, stared out at the dark misty streets of New York and stepped into a pair of brown slippers Wade had 'found' for her that were decorated with poop emojis. She eyed the empty dish that'd held an entire caramel pie in it last night and made herself some tea, flicking through her phone's notifications - Reddit, Gmail, Bakery Story (Wade had insisted she make some of the recipes in the game which had gotten Kira addicted to it along with him)… Nothing awfully interesting as usual. She grabbed her keys and downed her drink in one gulp.

Wade had left early on some contract of his that took him all over the country. Strolling down the aisles of the local store leaning heavily on a trolley that loved to be difficult, she was seriously starting to consider just what she was doing with her life. Baking caramel-featuring food for a mercenary, cleaning up after a (very fucking messy) mercenary, _dealing_ _with_ a mercenary… Not the most exciting life, and not where she'd been headed. Buuut it wasn't bad.

She dumped a whole row of "Top 'n Fill" caramels into the trolley as she went, so stuck in thought that she didn't account for the raging battle just outside the shop she was in.

"Get down!" a muffled voice yelled right after crashing through the shoddy windows and knocking the shelves between Kira straight down. _Shit._ The pain was sort of dulled by shock as someone pushed the mountain of canned caramels and other delicious toppings off of her, lifting Kira out of the mess with fluent ease.

She looked up into white eyes and thought for a moment that it was Wade until her mental functioning kicked it up a notch, and she realized they were shaped entirely differently. And surrounded in black webbing to go with that red spandex. Which also included blue sections as well. Spiderman.

"Put me down." The guy carefully lowered her to the floor and Kira jumped out of his arms, pissed off that she staggered a bit but determinedly regaining balance to turn and stare at him. "Thanks for that," she said both sarcastically and genuinely.

"Uh- no worries?" He rubbed the back of his head before running out of the partially demolished store and swinging himself into the highrises. _Some hero._

Kira looked over at the man behind the counter with an even gaze. _Hmm._ "I'll help you clean up if you give me a job."

 

* * *

 

Wade was fucking exhausted when he fell through the entrance to the hotel he and his amazingly beneficial teenage friend accommodated. Upon hearing she had no place to stay he'd assumed she would be the greatest nightmare of his life, but simply had to drag her out of the mercenary line of work more for his own state of mind than anything else. And then he told her to do something helpful and she made that Jesus-defying _delicious_ caramel whatever-fancy-French-name-food, and Wade could not let that sort of talent go.

But right now, after just having his ass mopped across several floors of floors from a particularly shithouse job… That caramel wasn't going to taste so sexy tonight. He stuck the newest drawing he'd done of a little man's brain getting blown to pieces while Wade cheered in the background onto the hotel's front door and strode in.

"Afternoon, Morty Moo. Having fun doing nothing all day?"

"Hello to you too, Wade," the hotelkeeper grumbled in his snappy tone that was adorably withered and sad. Wade dove into his apartment and collapsed on the ground, dragging himself to the fridge and smearing blood all over the freshly cleaned carpet. Upon finding the fridge empty save for a container filled with chopped vegetables and a note that read "You're getting fat" Wade went back to the carpet and, using the leftover goo on his suit, drew dicks in the patches he'd missed.

The door opened again accompanied by a loud rustling and Kira dumped a hundred bags of shopping on top of Wade's head. "Ow-houch!" he whined childishly.

"Jerk," Kira muttered and fell down on the couch. "I cleaned up the last disgusting mess you made yesterday!"

"I know, and it needed fixing~" he sang as he shoved the shopping away and jumped onto Kira without mercy.

"Fu- WADE!" He laughed manically and swung his legs about like a giant, spandex-clad, blood-covered toddler as he sat on top of her cruelly. Kira pulled out her pocket knife and began stabbing him in the arm much to Wade's amused delight. "I'VE ALREADY HAD A THOUSAND FUCKING POUNDS FALL ON ME ONCE TODAY!" She roared angrily and tried to stab him in the crotch.

"Oh, no honey - you can't go for the goods with that." He pushed himself back on the couch a little so Kira could scoot forward and breathe, settling his legs over her stomach instead.

"I- hate y-- ou," she choked out painfully.

"Someone's getting shit-filled chocolates for Christmas," he returned haughtily and crossed his arms. And then his eyes fell to the bruises forming all over Kira's skin and he raised a brow curiously. "Where'd you get those fancy tattoos - I want some. Oh wait…"

Kira hesitated a second before answering. She just knew what his fucking reaction would be but she couldn't be bothered coming up with an excuse. "Ca-nned caramel."

"BAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAAA!! Aha aHA HAHA!!!"

"Bastard."

 

* * *

 

For some quite unexpected and very ironic reason the man who'd worked at the local store had taken Kira's deal for a job to heart, and she was now, several days later, working a shift as the windows were being repaired by carpenters. Apparently the store couldn't afford to close up while they were fixing the enormous hole in the glass, courtesy of "their friendly neighbourhood Spiderman".

The next customer approached the counter somewhat awkwardly and dumped an armful of eggs and macaroni for her to scan. When he looked up at Kira he frowned for a moment, then stared quite rudely. "Hey…" he said in a hitchy voice.

"Hi."

He watched her scan the shopping in silence for a second. "How long you been working here?"

"Not long," she replied casually. "I started a few days ago, actually."

A man walked into the store decked out in a trench coat and a black beanie with a scarf covering the lower half of his face. He paused in the doorway and whipped out two paper-bagged guns, pointed them at Kira and the customer threateningly.

"Hands up, ladies!" Kira knew that voice anywhere. Not to mention she'd caught sight of white eyes in a red and black mask to confirm it when he'd walked in. _Trust_ _Wade_ _to_ _make_   _a_   _grand and utterly ridiculous entrance._

"Don't worry, sir - he's joking," Kira went to say to the customer, meeting empty space where the guy'd been moments ago. She looked over to Wade who shrugged, then flew backwards out of the store and into the street from a crazy strong kick delivered by-

Spiderman.

_Not a-fucking-gain._  Wade was grumbling in his spot on the filthy cement, a scattered mob of onlookers staring at the scene as Spiderman landed from his kick and walked up to the downed criminal smugly. He was making some sort of sassy insult as he reached down to grab the man, then jumped backwards when a sword slashed out from beneath the trench coat and barely missed his face. Wade slowly got up off the ground and swore as he snapped his arm back into place with a loud crack.

Spidey looked as though he'd just realized he was in way over his head. "Uh… Okay, mister, just put the sword down…" He shot a string of web at the sword and tried to pull it back but Wade held on, and then began dragging Spiderman towards him. The 'hero' cut off his web when digging his heels into the ground didn't seem to work. He did a bunch of backflips to gain some distance while Wade pulled out his other sword, slicing his trench coat off in the process, and threw it at the red and blue acrobat who dodged with a short "ah!".

"Dancing sonofa- rgh!" the merc cursed as he chased down his new enemy, picking his sword up along the way. Kira walked away from the counter to watch them fight, leaning in the doorway and looking up to see a swinging Spiderman failing at hitting an oncoming Wade. _Deadpool,_ Kira corrected so as not to reveal his identity and get herself smooshed into the couch again. The two ran around the street for a good while trying to kill each other - or at least Deadpool was trying to kill; Spidey was mostly just dodging his deadly attacks and occasionally firing sticky shit at him in the process. Ew. Kira stood to the side when the pair of them flew back into the store, punching and kicking each other as they went and knocking over a stack of cola in their little tussle.

Well _that_  was going to take forever to fix. Yet another point to Spiderman, forever ruining this poor little shop in his battles. Wade grabbed the guy by the neck and pinned him to the now cracked floor with both blades. "Give up already, phoney city hero - you'll never beat this ass in spandex~" he sang.

Spiderman was motionless for a second, then frowned and tilted his head up parallel to the floor to look at Kira. She gave him a wave and proceeded to glare at Deadpool. " _You_ can fix this mess," she hissed at him.

"Hang on - I haven't finished what I _came here to do_." He stood up and shoved both swords into the ground, trapping Spiderman's neck between them, and skipped down to one of the aisles with fairy-like prose. "Hmmm… Here we are." The troublemaker disappeared for a moment before letting out a shrill high-pitched screech followed by a loud crash as one of the aisle shelves fell into the other.

She walked over to the sight of Wade buried beneath a pile of canned caramels, his head and one arm poking out in a crappy act of desperation. Kira gazed down at him condescendingly. "I really hate you."

"But lady! Save me! The caramels've got me!" he cried in a ridiculously accurate feminine voice.

"There were choc toppings in the pile as well," she stated with an unimpressed look.

Wade muttered an "oh" and pulled the other shelf on top of him, then sprawled out like a dying man. If only that healing factor decided to take a break once in a while.

She glanced back at Spiderman who seemed no small amount of confused and sighed wearily. _This poor fucking shop..._

 

* * *

 

Wade flicked another jellybaby at Spiderman's face while Kira sat on the bench giving him an entirely unconvinced look.

"You really expect us to believe that you're not the guy who I was in the middle of serving when _he_ walked in," she stuck a thumb in Wade's direction, "the one who magically disappeared even though the exit was blocked and there was nobody else in the store?"

The two of them had their friendly neighborhood pain-in-the-ass tied up in the staff room before them, leaving the store to Ernie, the other worker who'd walked in to the sight of all three of them amidst an even more destroyed shop for his shift. He'd given them a frantic nod when Kira said they were gonna be occupying the other room for little while. She trusted him enough to tell them when the authorities showed up, since he knew he'd have his head chopped off in an instant for failing to do so.

"I'm not your guy," Spiderman argued vehemently.

The only reason she and Wade hadn't taken off his mask was because they wanted him to admit who he was himself, and Wade was getting a kick out of his comically lame defiance. "Alright, so who are you then?"

"Bob Marley."

"I'm not that fucking young," Kira muttered to him with a roll of her eyes. Wade gasped girlishly at her swearing before flicking another jellybaby into Spiderman's eye. "Just tell us."

"No," he stuck out his chin in protest.

Wade got up and sat down on his chest with the bag of jellybabies in one hand. "I'll give you a kiss if you don't tell~!" Spidey looked utterly repulsed and violated as Wade leaned in with puckered lips behind a red mask.

At that moment the door slammed open and Ernie's nervous face appeared in front of them. "Uh, Kira, the er, police are here…" His eyes fell to the sight before him and Wade gave an inviting wink. "Oh…"

Kira pushed herself off the bench and walked over to Ernie, getting pissy with life as she went. "Okay, Ern, thanks for letting us know." She patted his arm and slowly began to close the door. "Just tell them that Spiderman and some crazy guy in a red suit were fighting, and they escaped through the staff room and you never saw them again. And I wasn't here," she added as an afterthought.

He nodded again just as Kira closed the door, then spun back to face the two nightmares on the floor. "He was _totally_ down for it," Wade pouted disappointedly.

"Look, we can leave you here to be found by the police and revealed to the whole world - or, you can just admit who you are to us and we won't tell anyone," she said in a stern tone.

Spiderman struggled for a few seconds and then sighed in resignation. "Fine - you were right."

"Whoopee!" Wade exclaimed in delight as he got off of the poor guy, dumping the packet of lollies on his face. Kira was already leaving when the sound of footsteps and someone giving orders could be heard from the store.

"Hey!" Spidey yelled at them, still bound on the floor and rolling around furiously. Wade paused midway through the exit and tutted, slicing off the binds around his arms and stealing a final jellybaby before he vanished.

**Author's Note:**

> Villains are coming! Don't worry!


End file.
